Spam or junk mail, whichever you want to call it; it's highly annoying and sometimes you can make you lonesome. Here is a quick rundown on the junk mail and how annoying it is.

The bank e-mails make me laugh. On one occasion I got an e-mail from perpetrating to be from AIB, Bank of Ireland, Permanent TSB, RBS and Ulster Bank who all just wanted to tell me that my account was 'in danger' or 'hacked several times' and that I needed to click on the link attached to repair the damage. I had visions of an internet Sherlock Holmes on the other end of the phone with his headset on and at the ready to track down my hackers for me! Except for one tiny, minute detail of huge signifance! My account wasn't with any of these banks! Unless of course I count the account that my long lost relative in America set up who wanted to leave me 75 billion dollars set up. Maybe that's the one they meant. And maybe that's why the e-mail address was "bank.info@bank.ie". Ah now I get it, this is what the secrecy is about. Which banks to trust, though? Maybe I should click on all the links to see which one has the most information?

Speaking of inheritance, I'm on the pigs back there. I never knew my ancestry had such far reaching connotations. I've had relatives in America, Australia, Canada, India and even China contact me to inform me that I was their next of kin and about to inherit what can only amount to what the ECB are injecting into the Euro! They're all 'long lost' relatives of course, but I'm delighted they've been found! Only a few snags, though. How am I the 'next of kin' when both my parents and my older siblings are still alive? Would they not be ahead of me in the pecking order? Probably not, it's best we keep this between me and solicitor Troy McClure. He dod ask for secrecy after all.

Which these girls from Russia don't! I'm really flattered that they saw my profile on-line and liked what they saw. What can I say, I'm a "roide"!! Still, I don't like the cold, and I'm at a loss as to which website they are viewing me on. America's most wanted, maybe. Or crimecall. Still, an offer of "much friendship, and physical enjoyment" is hard not to be interested in. However, I'm wondering should I tell my wife before or after I click on the link?  Which one can only assume if a boarding pass with my name on it for a 1st class flight to Moscow. Maybe I could ring my wife once I land? International calls are expensive, though. Best to tell her before I leave.

Before I get on the plane, I really must buy some of the 'medicines' that have been offered to me. Who needs real Viagra? I bet the range being offered to me from the shed in outer Azerbaijan for a €1 or two is of far better quality. I'm really interested in the medicine to ahem, "improve" my appendage. Sounds like a good deal, but can I can be a tad impatient, and waiting 30 days for the medicine to take effect would take too long as I can only assume my flight is booked for the next few weeks. It won't be long now Tulsa! After I click on a few more links of course.

Maybe before I head off to chillier climes, maybe I should set up a website? I've been getting a few e-mails promising high SEO (whatever that is), and that my website will be ranked highly on Google. All I have to do is think of and build my website. Then I'll be on the pigs back because another company have 'guaranteed' me Facebook likes, and Twitter followers. Aren't people so kind to offer their services to me even though I don't have a website and have yet to build one? It must be part of some pay it forward scheme or the like. Just a few clicks and I'm away. Tulsa may have to wait a few weeks or two before I take to the air.

When I do take to the air to be with my beloved Tulsa, I will be a multi billionaire, with ironclad banking security, hung like Shergar and on my way to expanding my internet empire. Wow, no wonder she liked my profile on line! Which must be the one I'm planning to place on my upcoming website. Crikey Tulsa must be fortune teller, and our souls must be in tandem! How else do you explain it?