Someone remarked to me lately that I’ll have to do a lot to convince St. Peter to admit me to heaven, I realised that I’m a little unsure that this will be the case. Maybe God should woo me? Why should I do the chasing? I have a few questions for God, ones I’d like an answer to before I ring the doorbell at the pearly gates.

First of all is when is the sequel book to your best seller, the Bible, due? Or at least update the first version. The first one albeit a classic is dated and needs to a few details updated. There are also a few details that remain sketchy. Maybe throw in a few details about Jesus’ teenage years? I know about his birth, death and a few miracles in between, but little else. It’d be nice to hear a few different stories when one goes to weekly mass, other than the usual tried and trusted. One of which bugs me greatly. It’s the story of the prodigal son. You know the one where the son goes off and squanders his inheritance on women, beer and other sinful activities. It’s not that bit that’s my problem but rather how his return is dealt with. When the good son questions his father’s lavish party, and quite rightly so too, he is told that despite his (good) son’s stoic loyalty that his (bad) son must be welcomed back into the fold as he has given up his errand ways. We are then regaled with the tale of what Sheppard wouldn’t leave 99 (good) sheep to go off and find 1 lost sheep, as the Sheppard was safe in the knowledge that the 99 (good) sheep would remain put. So in other words, go off and act the maggot, enjoy yourself because you will always welcome back into the fold. The fold where the well behaved are already in situ. Where’s the incentive to remain “good”? Should one not go off the rails and then repent? At least you’d have the personal experience to know right from wrong. I’d be interested to hear your views on this. Another query regarding the bible. Who kept the records? And how were the details of the miracles passed on? Stones disintegrate and word of mouth is liable to embellishment along the way.  

When you sent Jesus down to rectify man’s shortcomings, it was apparently because the world back then had gone off the rails completely, and Jesus was sent to save us. Why not send him back now for the 2^nd coming. We could badly do with him. The world is now in such a bad way, it makes biblical times look serene. Shootings are prevalent, and shooting more than one at a time is becoming the popular norm. You don’t me to expand upon the robbery that goes on. Suicide is an epidemic that shows no sign of abating. People have found more and more ways of bullying people, even taking it to levels on-line that they can’t even see who they bully.

Let’s go through the 10 commandments and we can see that they are slightly out of touch with current reality. “I am the Lord, thy God” and “Thou shall not have false Gods”. Em, maybe you should think about changing those to “Cash is King”. Global banking crisis anyone? “Thou shall not take the lord’s name in Vain”. That is being broken every nanosecond. “Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy”. Have you seen the empty pews at churches lately? “Honour thy father and mother”. Children can now ‘divorce’ their parents. But maybe you could include one to ensure parents honour their kids as some don’t. “Thou shall not kill”. We’ve already established the spate of murders taking place. “Thou shall not commit adultery”. Again, not very well adhered to. “Thou shall not steal”. Again, Banking crisis and government taxes. “Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbour”. Em, politicians anyone? “Thou shall not covet”. Again not very well adhered to. There is more than enough evidence there that a second coming is fundamental to the world restoring some of its use.

Another question I have for you is Politicians: why? Every country has leaders they don’t trust. Maybe this goes back to Pontius Pilate and his lack of backbone to release Jesus? How can we truly trust politicians when the first encounter we have with one in the bible is this one. The current ones offer no solace either that one of them have the backbone to give their country’s people back their power. Surely the world would be a better place if governments governed and business people created business rather than business people silently governing and governments letting them? As an Irish person, I’m finding it difficult to forgive you for our politicians. First we had Charlie, then Bertie, to Biffo. And now Enda? Are you taking the piss? Or did you think we wouldn’t be sober enough to spot them? Even Global History is littered with lads who would be better served as entertainment acts rather than leaders. Hitler and his mad crusade. He must be a happy chap these days, considering all of Europe dances to Germany’s tune? Saddam, Bin Laden just to name a few others. I’d be interested to know whose side you’re on in that debate.

In all the above, and the next few questions it only fair that to inform you that I’m working off the principle that you are an “all powerful, all knowing God”. Maybe you were taking a nap when the above lads were indulging in their shenanigans. But where were you when evil people were abusing children of all ages. By parents, uncles, siblings, family friends, and strangers. Defenceless kids, who by the way are largely missing from the bible. How can you forgive these people? Every country has an example of a heinous crime against children. That is just not right. Why didn’t you intervene in time to stop these barbaric acts? I fail to see the lesson in child abuse, I really do.

Where were you when appalling road crashes are taking place? Fine, fit, healthy people whose lives are ruined by tragedy. Also, a word of advice. Don’t allow priests preach from the pulpit that these tragedies are caused by, and I’m quoting a priest now, “people who have sinned against God”. Let’s assume for a second that they did; surely you wouldn’t inflict such a fate upon them? You being a forgiving, humane and loving God.

Which leads me to the people who carry on your good deeds on this earth by carrying the torch for you. The priests. The majority are fine people, and I have met many a fine priest. But some are so entrenched, it is sickening. The clerical abuse in Ireland alone was sickening, as was the cover-up. When priests use the line that it’s only 2% of priests that have been found guilty, surely they are misguided in their opinion that we listen to their excuses. 2% of an estimated 4000 priests in Ireland equates to 80 offenders. This is 80 too many. There are no excuses, hands up and apologise. These people are representing you on this earth. There are many good priests, but it’s the old fashioned ones who are shouting loudest. Are we meant to listen to their bigoted views?

Speaking of children; sick, dying children. Why? Especially the young, new born children. Surely they haven’t gathered enough “sins” to be dealt such a cruel blow? Why not a person at the end of their time on this earth who wouldn’t have led the holiest of lives? I sometimes despair at these young kids fate. What lesson is a child who dies so young meant to teach us?

All through the bible, we are told that you are a loving, forgiving, faithful God and I have no doubts about that. But how can a loving God allow such cruelty to exist in the world? How can a forgiving God be so punishing as your priests keep telling us? So many priests warn us that God punishes us in so many ways because we are sinners, and will continue to sin. Indeed are we not introduced to this earth with sin, the original sin? I try to see the good in your work, and I have been pushed to the end of my tether at times to do so. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve wondered how you could let such a thing happen. When a child takes their own life, I find myself wondering why you didn’t intervene. Yet, when I attend local mass I’m told suicide is an act of the dammed and sinners who wish to hide. Who teaches priests this bigotry? 

Speaking of priests is it not time to redefine their job criteria. Could you not have a word with the new Pope? He seems like a reasonable chap. Could we not let priests marry? Just so they could see in real life what they pontificate in theory? Listening to a priest patronise a congregation about how tough married life is, but a couple should stay at it and refrain from divorce. Would you expect a battered spouse to stay in a violent home, be it mental or physical abuse? Surely if priests experienced the real difficulties of marriage, they would appreciate the problems couples face. I for one cannot appreciate advice from someone who has never experienced what they preach. Do as I say, not as I do sort of thing.

So, you see God I’m a tad confused. First of all by how to address you. I guess I’ll know on the day. But most of all by the peculiarity of it all. We are dammed because we are all sinners. From day one of our existence. But you are a forgiving God. A God who expunges all sin. Maybe I should just do the prodigal son on it and claim precedent.